StoryCorps at SHC: Trity Pourbahrami & Vista Trethewey

Trity Pourbahrami (TP): I still remember we managed to get out of Iran. We pretended that we were going on vacation and that's how we left the war-torn country, where we were both born, to come to India and then eventually to Canada.

Vista Trethewey (VT): I don't remember the ugly of the moment of us leaving because I was very protected from the very beginning by you. Our parents had their own stuff that they had to deal with. But I have grown up with you keeping me safe ever since I can remember.

TP: And you bring the joy.

VT: You brought the joy. It's funny, so much in everything that we do together, you bring the joy. Before cancer, it was still the case.

TP: And when stuff gets really tough-

VT: ... you're the first person I call.

TP: I was going to say the same thing.

VT: Yeah.

TP: After my first diagnosis, I could not have gotten through it without you because what I had to do was say, "I am the cancer patient. I am not the daughter of the woman whose daughter has cancer." So I put that load on you to take care of Maman and Baba such that I could just be the cancer patient. And that has helped me set boundaries much more firmly than I've ever done with Maman and Baba because of you.

VT: I'm so proud of you. It's a hard thing to do because where you come from is such a beautiful place. You take care of the people you love, but I needed you to take care of you and you only have a well that's a certain depth and I still need you to to take care of you.

TP: And now this time around, they can't even talk about it. It is impossible to get them to admit that I'm stage four cancer, which is hard. There's a very strong possibility that my life will be shorter than I had envisioned it and I can't have that conversation. So I leave that conversation to you to have.

VT: And you should. Because the conversations around that that you're having with yourself are hard enough. And Trity, I can do it.

TP: I know you can.

VT: I can do it. I can talk her through it. And it's also helpful to me. It allows me to process as well.

TP: Yeah, and I want you to share that with Niko and Mina as much as you can. Just in moments when they're struggling.

VT: I will.

TP: I want you to just share that they'll get through to the other side. This is okay, this is a temporary thing.

VT: Yes.

TP: And I don't want their life to be defined by my passing. Their life needs to be defined by them. Niko and Min get to be their own individuals and not defined-

VT: They already are.

TP: ... by their mother passing from cancer.

VT: They already are.

TP: That's really important to me.

VT: Your story is not defined by cancer. Their story is not defined by the cancer. It isn't now and it will never be. Yeah. You have built such a beautiful foundation in those girls. They're good humans. You have raised good humans.

TP: Thank you. It takes a village.

VT: And I'm very happy to be part of that village. And it's going to be hard, but we've done hard.

TP: We have done hard.

VT: We can get through hard. You're a beautiful example of getting through hard.

TP: And I don't know what's ahead.

VT: I will be there to help.

TP: I know you will be.

VT: Because I do life with you. We do it together.

TP: Yeah.

Produced by Stanford Health Care with interviews recorded in collaboration with StoryCorps, a national nonprofit whose mission is to preserve and share humanity's stories in order to build connections between people and create a more just and compassionate world www.storycorps.org

Sound Editor: Emily Hsiao

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